Wow, I cannot believe it has been three years, since I last blogged. I don't even know where to begin..........so I won't. I use this more as a journal; so "me" "myself"; and "I" are caught up.....and I will just fast forward three years and talk about my new "normal".......
Today, after reading some of these blogs I just couldn't believe that so much time has passed; but that I can remember that time just like it was yesterday. It was such a profound time for me; and for all of us there. It changed me from the inside out; I was refined by fire..........
And now fast forward three or so years; and our family is in completely different circumstances. Lou is retired; and home with his head on our pillow every night. I no longer have to worry about knocks on the door; I have put away the black dress that was worn on too many occasions for too many memorials.
We have this beautiful new baby boy; who has come at such a time........to remind us that the cycle of life begins again; even when you may least expect it.
I had such a difficult time during this pregnancy; and of course when he was born.........I didn't realize it at the time; but Doctors now tell me, that I was one of the most serious patients in the hospital; and that I could have been put on a heart transplant if things had not turned around.
It's funny, though because at the time I don't remember being very scared. I just remember being at peace; Lou and I had some quality time at the hospital with just Zack; for 8 days.......and it's funny but it gave me a chance to just be still and take it in........to take Zack in. I think I am still doing that........
I take things so much more slowly now. We have this incredible big porch with rockers and a swing on it; and I actually swing on it (often). I have always wanted to do that. I think before everything happened with my heart; I just thought............I had to constantly be on the move.......or I wouldn't get it all done; that I wouldn't be good enough; a good enough Mom or Wife, or cook or friend............but now I don't feel that.........I just feel like I want to hold on to the present; to rock Zack, kiss his neck.......and smell that baby smell. I want to swing on the porch and read my Bible; I want to enjoy getting to sit with my husband in the morning, before the kids are up and pray. I never thought we would be at this place in our lives..........but we are.
I have had to let go of so many expectations. We don't have a kitchen yet; well we have an outdoor sink, refrigerator, oven; and a plywood floor.........a "bayou version kitchen" but we have meals together. We only have one bathroom; and it drives me crazy...........but we have this beautiful porch and this swing that defines the pace of our lives now; and I like it.
WE have family; for good and bad. WE have people that stop by to look at our house; because it sat empty for so many years...........we have gotten to know so many people; and before we would not have had/ or made the time to talk to them; but we do now. I like that........it makes me feel like I stepped off of a busy freeway; and am driving down a country lane......a little ruddy, not as smooth no fast food restaurants BUT SO MANY UNEXPECTED BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO SEE.
I am not sure where we are heading.........don't know yet if we can do this without Lou going back to work; or me.........but I do know that the present is only happening now. Little Zack is already three months old...........he will only smile like this (right into my eyes) for a short time. I only get so many nights of holding him in the quiet; so many rocks in the chair. So.........field trips, shopping trips, getting down to a size 6; and House Beautiful will just have to wait...........I have a baby to kiss.......kids to laugh with........a husband to pray with........and argue with........to make up with.........to laugh at and with; and a teenager who will only be a night owl; with pensive questions for so long.................life can slow down...............I can breathe..............and when I look back, I can say thank you God for the refining...........it hurt but I can see the beauty in the end.
1 comment:
I love your post, Patty! It's great that you are soaking in this time because it is probably just a season and one never knows how long that it will last. I'm glad you have the opportunity to slow down. I hope that if and when the time is right, Louis finds a job that suits him perfectly. You already have many jobs! :)
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