Renewal........shedding off the old and beginning something new"

Isaiah 57:10 (New International Version)

10 You were wearied by all your ways,

but you would not say, 'It is hopeless.'

You found renewal of your strength,

and so you did not faint.

I came across this verse, recently and I feel like it's the verse I am living at this moment in my life.  This past summer brought many challenges and difficulties; and Louis, myself and our entire family had become weary.  I have been weary not only physically, because of the birthing complications; but also weary......down to my soul.

So many changes all at once; trying to adjust, many times feeling like I am living in a daily triage department, trying to decide which emergency to focus on first.   Lou retiring, moving here; and 6 weeks later going into the hospital, while still in the middle of boxes; having Zack early,  finding out that I had a potentially fatal heart condition; and trying to make sure the kids could live as normal of a life as possible, while renovating..........has brought a weariness with it; much like I had when Lou was deployed; kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I also have to say; however that I never gave up hope; nor did Louis.  And, although the doctors were wonderful, we had family to help, the medicine improved my condition; and I see small steps of improvement in my house; that is not the source of my hope.  It helps.......of course;  but it's not the true source of hope.

My hope through all of this; has come from Jesus.  He has talked to me in so many little ways; through people, through passages, through quiet whispers in my heart.  He has truly brought me peace; when all around me it seemed as if everything was crumbling........and because of all the past difficulties he has brought our family through; I found faith came easily to me.  Looking back........it seems like all of the other trials; and the practicing of our faith, (one small step at a time) gave us a greater faith for when we needed it.  When all around us things at times looked hopeless; we clung on to Jesus's hands; during the darker times and asked God to take care of us.  He did...........He is............that is where my strength has come from.  My life verse is from Phillipians 4:13  " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  I live that verse every day.......I repeat that verse at the most difficult of times.  I cannot do anything without him.  Well, I can do many things; but not the life changing things........not the hard stuff. 

Most importantly, I don't want to.  I know that with him on my side; I will be okay (truly) without him I might look okay; things on the surface might look good; but sooner or later I will be defeated by my true enemy ; Satan.  He wants me, He wants my family, he does not want our family to live out our purposes.  So, I will take Christ's strength anytime I can get it.

And now I feel this urgency to live that hope out.  I don't want to waste what I have gotten from this experience; I don't want to waste my time, or energy on things that don't  really count in God's kingdom. 

For some months I felt this need to do something different; I was burnt out. I even thought about no longer homeschooling.

However, God has really been working on my heart the past few weeks; and he has shown me that what I am doing is the most important thing I could be doing for his purposes.  Fixing nutritous meals for my kids, making sure that we have a devotion every morning (even if we get a late start to our homeschooling day), taking time to talk to Louis's family, stopping to talk to people (really listening to them), talking with the widows at church; seeing if they need anything, playing ballons with Katie at the part.  Rocking Zach on the porch as many times as I can..............these are the things he has me doing.  I am not sure what it will all bring about..........I may never really see what his purposes in this were.  I just feel this peace in my heart, that this is what I am supposed to be doing at this moment, this season, in my life.

Thank, you so much God for helping me to see that my hope cannot be in the things that are temporary, the tangible things; but rather the intangible.........the things that are eternal

Looking Back................and sitting still...........

Wow, I cannot believe it has been three years, since I last blogged. I don't even know where to begin..........so I won't. I use this more as a journal; so "me" "myself"; and "I" are caught up.....and I will just fast forward three years and talk about my new "normal".......

Today, after reading some of  these blogs I just couldn't believe that so much time has passed; but that I can remember that time just like it was yesterday.  It was such a profound time for me; and for all of us there.  It changed me from the inside out; I was refined by fire..........

And now fast forward three or so years; and our family is in completely different circumstances.  Lou is retired; and home with his head on our pillow every night.  I no longer have to worry about knocks on the door; I have put away the black dress that was worn on too many occasions for too many memorials.

We have this beautiful new baby boy; who has come at such a time........to remind us that the cycle of life begins again; even when you may least expect it.

 I had such a difficult time during this pregnancy; and of course when he was born.........I didn't realize it at the time; but Doctors now tell me, that I was one of the most serious patients in the hospital; and that I could have been put on a heart transplant if things had not turned around. 

 It's funny, though because at the time I don't remember being very scared.  I just remember being at peace; Lou and I had some quality time at the hospital with just Zack; for 8 days.......and it's funny but it gave me a chance to just be still and take it in........to take Zack in.  I think I am still doing that........

I take things so much more slowly now.  We have this incredible big porch with rockers and a swing on it; and I actually swing on it (often).  I have always wanted to do that.  I think before everything happened with my heart; I just thought............I had to constantly be on the move.......or I wouldn't get it all done; that I wouldn't be good enough; a good enough Mom or Wife, or cook or friend............but now I don't feel that.........I just feel like I want to hold on to the present; to rock Zack, kiss his neck.......and smell that baby smell.  I want to swing on the porch and read my Bible; I want to enjoy getting to sit with my husband in the morning, before the kids are up and pray.  I never thought we would be at this place in our lives..........but we are.

I have had to let go of so many expectations.  We don't have a kitchen yet; well  we have an outdoor sink, refrigerator, oven; and a plywood floor.........a "bayou version kitchen" but we have meals together.  We only have one bathroom; and it drives me crazy...........but we have this beautiful porch and this swing that defines the pace of our lives now; and I like it.

WE have family; for good and bad.  WE have people that stop by to look at our house; because it sat empty for so many years...........we have gotten to know so many people; and before we would not have had/ or made the time to talk to them; but we do now.  I like that........it makes me feel like I stepped off of a busy freeway; and am driving down a country lane......a little ruddy, not as smooth no fast food restaurants BUT SO MANY UNEXPECTED BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO SEE.

I am not sure where we are heading.........don't know yet if we can do this without Lou going back to work; or me.........but I do know that the present is only happening now.  Little Zack is already three months old...........he will only smile like this (right into my eyes) for a short time.  I only get so many nights of holding him in the quiet; so many rocks in the chair.  So.........field trips, shopping trips,  getting down to a size 6; and House Beautiful will just have to wait...........I have a baby to kiss.......kids to laugh with........a husband to pray with........and argue with........to make up with.........to laugh at and with; and a teenager who will only be a night owl; with pensive questions for so long.................life can slow down...............I can breathe..............and when I look back, I can say thank you God for the refining...........it hurt but I can see the beauty in the end.