due season we shall reap IF we do not lose heart
GALATIANS 6:9
I have tried so hard to focus on this verse this week, it's funny because as the time as drawn nearer for Louis to come back HOME, it has actually gotten more difficult. I am comforted by this verse, especially since this week, when we had all let our guard down, Louis lost yet another friend and soldier within his unit.
He was a Major; and that is just usually unexpected. He has a wife; and a small baby and I just thought I could not handle any more. I drove to Rear Detachment; and just cried in their office. I knew that would be the one place that they would understand. Of course, they understood; and it gave me comfort to know that I was not alone.
It's a season of contradictions for us all. We Welcomed home our beloved Bravo Company on the same evening, that I found out about the death in our unit. I didn't want my friends from Bravo to know; and I especially didn't want to kill their joy, so I just sat there, smiling.
Of course I was so happy; and truly it helped heal my heart that night, but it was hard knowing that at the same time we were celebrating the homecoming of these brave heroes, that their was a family grieving; and dealing with the tragedy of losing their husband, son, and friend so close to the end.
Sometimes I think about this community; and I am in awe of the spirit and strength that has survived this year. I looked at the soldier's faces at the Welcome Home Ceremony; and I could see the weariness in their eyes; some looked thinner and some older. Although, they were so happy to be home, I knew that they were not the same as when they left a year ago.
I watched the wives faces; and also saw the weariness, the quiet anxiousness in their faces, waiting to know for sure that their husband was safe; and finally home.
I cannot wait until that day; that day when I too know that my soldier is home; and I can take that breath that I have been holding for over 12 months; and let it back out. I cannot wait to wipe the seriousness off of my husband's brows; and laugh again.
I cannot wait to go throughout a normal day with him. There are so many simple things that I look forward to doing with Louis. I just want to drive in the car with him; and know that he won't be getting out and I won't be saying goodbye.
The children will know that at the end of the day they will see Dad; and I also know that there will be someone to wrap my arms around; and say "How was Your day".
Thanksgiving, will mean more to me than it ever has this year. I am thankful every day, that my husband is alive; and that there were no men at my door.
My friend said it well. She has had a hard time speaking with friends at home, because she says when they ask her "How she is doing". She can't tell them well; it was a good day, my husband didn't die.
I know for some of you reading this, it just sounds so harsh; but honestly it has been our reality. I can't apologize for our feelings, I am afraid this year we have earned them.
I can honestly say; however, I feel as if our little community is coming out of a deep somberness. I went to the movies tonight, with my kids and it was so wonderful to see some of the Dads with their kids; and to see friends that I have sat beside at memorials, tonight laughing.
There is a season for everything; and I know as our season of sorrow in Baumholder comes to an end in a few weeks, for many other places it will just be beginning. I hope I don't forget. I am afraid I will. I know I have to move on; but it almost feels wrong. I think of the ladies that won't be moving on; and it's hard for me, to feel joy without some guilt.
However, there is a part of me that knows, that this is my season to now laugh, and drink all that life has to offer our family in. We have made plans to travel to Barcelona for Thanksgiving; and I can't wait to make dinners for my husband. I cannot wait to see him play in the park with his kids.
Mostly, I can't wait to just talk with him. I cannot tell you the joy it has brought me to see the Dad's with their kids at the park this week. Also, to see all the banners lining our front gates, buildings and trees!! We have had our months of darkness here; and it just feels like a light has been turned on again.
I guess in the end; that is what life is all about. I think that many of us here; will always try to enjoy the small things, and we won't forget what life is like without them. Many of the soldies will carry their own scars; and so will the wives, but I will also carry new lessons with me. I have learned so much through this experience.
I have gotten to experience so much good. I was able to go visit some of our soldiers in Landstuhl this week. There were a few that were seriously injured. One soldier was just in agonizing pain; and through that he still looked at me and said "Thank you Maa'm for coming". Where else, would I get to experience that. I was able to laugh with a young soldier, who told me that he would love a Dr. Pepper, because the last one he had was about a half hour before the RPG'S came in on his truck.
I cannot get over the sense of humor, that some of these soldiers still have. I visited with one soldier who was rooming with one of ours. He was leaving the next day; and didn't know this soldier before they were at Landstuhl together. I asked him how he was, and he said "Just trying to make sure that "he" is okay". He was referring to the soldier in the room with him. He had such a look of seriousness, about this. I knew he meant it.
I would not trade the minutes I have had with these soldiers for anything. I have seen the best; and sometimes the worst. However, I won't forget these guys.....EVER!!
So, yes I am weary; and I know those around me are; however, we still have life in us. Most of all, as I celebrate I will remember those who sacrificed for me and others. I will celebrate for them; because I know many of them are celebrating in heaven. I picture them meeting god; their bodies whole, again.
I am starting to feel whole again, too. I feel as if I am waking up from a deep sleep; and I am experiencing things for the first time again. I will send pictures from time to time, so that you all can experience some of this too!!
I wish each of you could be here, I wish you could see what this kind of joy is. For me, the words "Freedom isn't Free" mean so, much more than they used to. Sometimes, the truest appreciation of what life can give; is seeing life taken.
Promise, me each of you that you will celebrate your lives!!!
Love and God Bless,
Patty
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